My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
ugly people sure do ruin things
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
