Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
