My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
