I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
