Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
