I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
