I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
