I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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