I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
