I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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