yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
