Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
