if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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