Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
