Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
