I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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