If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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