dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
