the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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