You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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