bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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