Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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