I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
