I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
