If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She's not a foreskin expert like you
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
