Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Randomize
