Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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