i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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