I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I smell stomach acid.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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