i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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