Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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