I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
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We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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