Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
