In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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