I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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