i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Please don't give away my fajitas
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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