You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
