If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
