so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
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She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
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Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her