Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.