Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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