12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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