I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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