That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
