Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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