oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
