Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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