Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Randomize
