just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
