Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
