You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
