Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
