If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
