How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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