Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
