There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
