I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
