i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
